FIRST LOVE AGAIN

 

I would like to know why…

Few years ago, I’ve found love, something very special that changed me completely. My walk, the tone of my voice, my smile changed. Everybody could see, feel or hear it from any distance. I even set a special ringtone for her on my phone, anytime she called I was in ecstasy. The smile was larger than my mouth. The light of God was blooming out me. My friends could tell who was calling by just looking at my face. They were telling me that my life has changed, that I’ve changed. I started to go to church more. I’ve become very grateful to GOD for this miracle of my life. In church I sang with my whole heart. Was I singing to GOD or to her standing next to me?

It seemed that my heart that was in my body but wasn’t functioning at all before I met her. Since the day I’ve met her, I’ve become aware of my heart. I’ve started to notice my own smell. Brushing my teeth, combing my hair even putting on a shirt became ceremonies. IT seems that I wanted to count all my teeth. I wanted each one them to be ready for this event. I seemed that I was counting my hairs, they had to be part of it. I confess, putting on a shirt was a ceremony because I was counting each of the buttons. 

The guy who cared less about anything about himself became clean, he washes so many times his clothes that mom was wondering about this special girl. I used to iron my shirt so neat that if you have seen me, you would have said that it was just bought. My eyes were opened, I could notice everything around me, the road to my house become longer because so many times I stopped down the road to pick up a flower, after cutting it, I was blaming myself, “you should have left it there so tomorrow It would be fresh when you bring it to her”. I noticed all the garden with flowers around my house, even the stones on my road were new although they have been there for so long. I used to take pictures of beautiful flowers to send to her without cutting them so the next time I will think of her as I see them again.  I can't even remember the number of trees we marked of our loves, drawing an heart and our names inside. What about all thoses benches victims if  our love? Everywhere we've been we have to leave our love. Love really transformed me. Do you know that even my handwriting changed, it became soft as if my heart was writing itself? IF by any foolishness of mine I’ve made her cry. Just seeing the tears on her face cracked my heart, with my  trembling hands I would take her face, kissed and drink her tears. My voice shivered and tears rolled down on my face before I even opened my mouth to say “sorry babe”. AS I take her into my harms you could feel directly from my heartbeats how deeply sorry, I was.

What about when we had distant arguments? Of course, we won’t be talking, she won’t be visiting. I said to my self “I won’t call, after all I’m the man, she has to call me”. I waited one hour, then two, and I called but  I would be saying: “I’m calling not to say I’m sorry but to know how you’ve been doing? Then we kept talking as if nothing happened, few hours later she on the train to me. I guess, you know that is the normal love circle right?

What about night times?  At night when I laid down on my bed, she called and we will be talking for hours over hours until we fell asleep. And When I woke up in the middle of the night, I just kept quiet to listen to her breathing as she was sleeping, even that was a sweater sound for my heart. I would listen to her sleeping and feel asleep again. When morning came the first thing is to write to her, it seemed that sleeping was times stolen from us. Sometimes, we even say to each other let’s meet in our dreams.

One day cupid enemy came to us broke our little wings, that allowed us to fly over the world. So, we fell down in this world without each other. My heart seemed to be troubled like the sea, the waves were taking me to any direction but never to her seashore. I became like a dried fruit or a tree in winter time. You know how many times I kicked walls without feeling any pain? I’ve punched the walls, I’ve bled but still no pain, the one inside was overwhelming any other pain. Food lost savors. My same friends came to me trying to convince me that time will heal me, I didn’t want to heal, I just wanted to live in this bulb of love. I don’t need to heal, if love was a sickness, I was an happy sick man: If love is really a disease then we don’t need doctors unless they can inject us with more love. A man does not cry. Well, if does not count when nobody sees you, then I never cried.

 

Do you know what’s funny about it? Can you imagine how many times I went through this circle? And how many times I said that this was the last time? Funny ehh?? Love all over again?  WAs I recycling love or is something else growing from te same soil?

I wonder how my heart survived all of that? I would like to know how…